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"It doesn't matter."

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12/1/10 08:15 pm - Delay...

Oh hi, 2 years later :)

Finals are coming up! After I get this stupid religion paper (on Friday) then it's on to the studies. Boo. Friday is the last day of classes :) I may go out for drinks, just because I haven't been out in awhile and it's the last chance I get before slaving over the books, yeah?

Mike (we are back together...) got me into the show Misfits! SO good! Definitely, definitely my new favourite show.

I really need to clean Elliot's cage, and start studying. AND clean the kitchen.

Good things:
1) Christmas is coming!
2) Exams will be over in like... 2 weeks!
3) I made linguine and clam sauce AND... I have leftovers!
4) I just read the past couple of entries from this journal... I am so much happier now. I'm getting a bad feeling thinking about how sad I was then. Well, I wasn't THAT sad, I've been more depressed than that, but I just feel much better about life right now. I am heading in the right direction.


6/2/08 05:34 pm

I started randomly playing guitar again last night. I'm learning 9 crimes, one of my favourite songs in the world. I'm a lot happier today.

But it's still raining.

6/1/08 06:17 pm - weekend.

My weekend was alright. I can't believe things got this weird between me and Mike, presumably because of my stupid text. I just want him to either be in my life or out of it, not dangling in the middle, like I can't focus not knowing wtf is on the go. I guess I know what's on the go, he doesn't want anything more than he did before, he just misses me and wants to kiss me when he's with me, apparently. I know that's not good enough but it still really hurts and it's really hard BLAH. I feel like I can't even move on anymore.

Anyway, I went out friday night with cheryl and danielle. At one point in the night I told cheryl that she was getting on my nerves, jokingly, but she got offended by it and I felt really bad. :( Other than that it was an okay night, there was a fight at the end that was pretty hardcore. That was also the night I realized that I really can't ever see myself with Jon, which made me lose interest in even just casual sex with him. I sound like such a slut by saying that but that's what I originally wanted. He's just so weird, I dunno. I like him still I guess but definitely not as much.

Yesterday I went to Danielle's brothers birthday party, it was cute and I ate lots of food. Then cheryl, allie and I went to st. albans to try and get a beach party on the go, which we were successful in. It was alright, I drank REALLY slow and barely got drunk at all. Jon was there again, and nothing happened (he did leave at 11:30 though) and then Mike came as well.. great. And he didn't say a word to me again. I just got really depressed at the end of the night, it sucked.

Today I did absolutely nothing, and it's raining again and is supposed to all week. My mood is so dependant on the weather it's scary. I used to really like rain but I'm starting to hate it. I just want sun.
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5/28/08 08:23 pm - reality check

Today I was told I complain a lot. And I do, it's true. So it's going to be one of the things I'm going to try and work on. Whenever I come across one of these, I'll bold it to make it easier to look back on.

Complain less, appreciate life

In saying that, I really do have to rant, and then I swear I will complain less. I hate work. I would never, never, never be able to do janitorial work for a living. I feel so.. lowly. It's like, 'Hi, would you like your desk polished?' 'No, I'm busy right now'. 'Oh..' *stands there*. It's stupid. Nobody wants their fucking desk polished, I know it, they know it, everybody knows it. That place is not my kind of environment at all. And while I'm on the subject of complaining about work, the one person I wanted to be working with got switched the second day to a different section. ARRGH.

So I came home today after work, and mom continues her spree of bitchyness. I went upstairs to find this message on my msn:

"Can you come down and pick up your sweatshirt on the couch and fold the blanket please? Also, in the cupboard next to the tub are some Lysol wipes. Can you clean out the bathtub please? Thanks. I'd really appreciate it."

DON'T BE FOOLED. I know it looks innocent, but it's not. I'm staying clear of that shit. If she wants to talk to me like that she can go ahead but I am not going there. It just makes it all the more lonely and stressful at home after a stupid day of work, which adds to my tendancy to complain and to my tendancy to be sad.

Speaking of being sad? Please, somebody tell me why I thought it was a good idea to sleep with Mike. I can forgive myself for the first party, Friday, where I was taken by complete surprise and ended up innocently making out in the bathroom. But why did I have to sleep with him 2 nights later? And Why, Why, Why, did I have to drunkenly text him the other night that "I really miss you". I HATE MYSELF. I hate him for doing this to me. He knows how much impossibly difficult pain and suffering he put me through, that much has to be true. He MUST know. He also must know I had been getting over him, although he made it clear that he didn't quite think I was as over him as he thought I was. (Did that sentence come out right?) I can't face having to get over him AGAIN. But I have to. Yesterday me and Cheryl were walking and Mike and Chris passed, Chris waved, Mike glared, I kid you not. So again, I ask, WHY.

Do not sleep with Mike.

There. Bolded. I wash my hands of it.
I hope something happens with Jon this weekend. Maybe it's too soon but I need something good.
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